Step Six
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

After many of my binges, I would frequently search for “get-thin-now!” schemes in the form of diets, pills or new
exercise regimens. I remember those intense feelings of hope that would arise every time I had new plan of action.
Each time, I would tell myself, I was going to get it together. I would lose the weight, get the guy, have more friends
and most importantly learn how not to hate myself. Moments later, the voices would begin:
“It’s just a cookie?” “I see skinny women eat pints of ice cream on TV all of the time;” “It’s been a hard day?” “It’s
been an easy day!” Or the most frequently used, “I’ll start tomorrow. I’ll just eat as much as I can tonight and get it
out of my system”.

One hour later, that surge of newfound hope that I had mentioned…well it had disappeared faster than all of the
recently purchased diet food in the kitchen. I later came to find out that feeling was neither hope nor newfound,
rather, it was delusional thinking. It was my disease telling me that doing the exact same thing would avail different
results.

In the OA 12 and 12, in Step 6, it states “We are powerless over each of our defects of character, just as we are powerless
over the food. It will be up to a Power greater than ourselves to remove them from us; we can’t do it alone.”
I have never had any defect completely removed. However, I have had them greatly deflated by awareness and a
willingness to do things differently. No thing ruins a binge like a spoonful of OA. And, nothing ruins gossip, a
self-righteous resentment or the telling of a white lie, like doing a thorough fourth-step inventory. I know my defects
today as a result of working the steps. I can visualize the list my sponsor gave me listing each defect: “fear, gossip,
rage, jealousy, fear, denial, fear, lack of clarity, arrogance, dishonesty and fear”.

In theory, I am obviously so ready to have each of my defects removed. In practice, living day at a time, now that’s a
different story. Those old self-centered rationalizations start whizzing back and forth before I know it:
“It’s been a hard day, what’s a little gossip;” “It’s been a great day, what’s a little exaggeration” “I’ll start being a saint
tomorrow” or “I just need to get this anger out of my system.”

At times I believe those lies, and I engage in old behavior and as a result, feel that old shame, regret and remorse.
However, I no longer attempt to fix a sick mind with a sick mind. OA has taught me to use a new set of tools to break
free of those feelings of guilt that come from being imperfect. Today I ask my Higher Power to “grant me the acceptance
that I still have defects” because my defects keep me humble. Then, I ask for the willingness to change old
behaviors and grow along OA’s spiritual principles, because they are what keep me abstinent.

In Service,
-Cassandra