Jealousy is a defect of my character most shameful to admit. I am jealous of my peers. A lot.
At work, I experience fear when people make more money than me.
I don’t want my friends having a better time with each other than they have with me.
I don’t want my friends dating hotter women than me.
I secretly wish I was as smooth socially as some of my friends.
I wish I was taller, handsomer, more muscular, wealthier, more popular etc.
I have a hard time feeling genuinely happy for the good fortune and success of others.
I feel negatively around others, when I think that they are superior to me in some way.
Here is how the cycle of jealousy works for me:
Jealousy comes from personal insecurity. I’m jealous because I don’t feel that I am good enough.
I think my value is determined by the things/traits that I possess. The more I have, the more worthy I am as a person.
I judge how much I have by how I rank relative to others around me.
When I notice others who have the things that I don’t have my sense of self-worth is lowered.
I fear the loss of self-worth, and I resist it.
This resistance expresses itself in jealous behaviors that I exhibit.
This way of living isn’t working for me anymore.
As an addict, I can’t afford the luxury of harboring jealousy in my heart.
If I continue this way, I’ll be stuck with behaviors of possessiveness, and feelings of resentment, fear and hurt.
This will cause me to act out.
Step four has the answer for me.
The big book teaches me that negative character traits stem from selfishness.
Jealousy comes from a perspective that places me and my desires at the center of my universe.
Since I think I am more important than others, I don’t want them to have more than I do, and I’m fearful and hurt if they do.
The only action I can take is to change my perspective.
A perspective that serves me better is:
1. I accept that I do not control what people have. There will always be people around me who will have more than me. My intrinsic value is determined by god, and not by what I have.
2. I view myself as a conduit of service to others, and I want to carry out the will of the god that lives within my heart.
By realizing that life is no longer about me, but rather about seeing how I can contribute to the stream of life around me, I suddenly become interested in helping others.
I become more in tune with their needs, and I start seeking ways to contribute to them.
When I encounter my peers, rather than examining how I rank in comparison to them, I look to them with the question of how I can enrich their life.
They are no longer competing with my sense of self-worth.
My self-worth is determined by my higher power, and my higher power loves me unconditionally, and is always there for me.
When feelings of jealousy come up for me in the future, I can examine my responsibility in the situation, and take actions around it.
Here are some actions I can take:
I can pray to god to remove the fear and self-centeredness from my heart.
I can remind myself that life is not about me anymore.
I can accept my life exactly as it is right now in this moment, with all its haves and have nots, as god’s will. Nothing about it needs to be changed.
I can take the next right action, by helping others and seeing how I can be a contribution to their lives, regardless of their successes and failures.
This is a path that leads to recovery and sanity for me.
By Shaya S.