The merciless obsession was lifted and I had peace and serenity. In the months that followed, I faced almost unbearable emotional turmoil but, miraculously, I came through abstinently. Shortly after that I experienced a big ego trip, and that’s when additional food started slipping in: extra salad, extra protein, extra vegetables. First I stopped losing, then I began to gain.
I was baffled. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with my program I applied the steps and discovered many new truths about myself. I was growing in new areas, yet my overeating still progressed.
I was thoroughly confused. How could I feel so close to my Higher Power, how could I feel so good inside, how could I feel so happy about my new life, how could I feel so full of love—and still be overeating? Where was the hole in the way I was living my program?
Although my eating was out of control, I was still free of the obsession for sweets. I wondered at this until I realized that I had asked my Higher Power to take away my addiction to refined sugar and white flour. That’s what I asked for, and that’s what I got! I did not admit I was powerless over food. I did not ask that my food obsession be removed.
I realized that deep inside I had not admitted I am powerless over all food, be it sugar, pickles or lettuce.
Deep inside I had not admitted I am a compulsive overeater. I was willing to let go the foods that hurt me physically, causing headaches and facial sores, but I was not willing to let go overeating. I thought that with refined sugar and white flour out of my life I could control my consumption of any kind of food.
Now I am back to step one. I am powerless over food—all food. I am a compulsive overeater.
~February 1983. Reprinted with permission from Lifeline Magazine
Published in the Metro Memo – November 2014